How to Determine if You are a White Girl

My palms sweat nervously as I wait outside the local Starbucks for the store manager to call me in for the job interview.

What if they test me on the different types of beverages they have?! Don't they know I only like the holiday-specific drinks. Everything else is overpriced and too strong for my weak stomach. 

The store manager comes in and says I can come back, but in a flash of excitement, I realize I don't have to depend on anyone but my parents for as long as possible. My maniacal laughter fills the store. Concerned patrons look at me, as I run out the door. I am free. I am broke. I need a job. Ugh I need to tweet about this. 

Hello all three of you that are reading this, I'm Wyatt. I am one of Charlotte's, formally Char or Charlemagne's, best friends. And she's brought me into this, for some reason, to give to you my skewed opinions of the world. And what better way to start than with my weekly holiday: White Girl Wednesday.

First thing's first: what IS a 'white girl.' Well instead of a boring definition, I'll list some popular characteristics. If you fall into a lot of these, you should evaluate your life and consider coming out to your parents as a white girl.

Some descriptions/facts/characteristics of White Girls:

•  Starbucks is like the God of Consumerism. If you have money, you go to Starbucks. If you are thirsty, or hungry, you go to Starbucks. If you are worried or stressed about life, you go to Starbucks. If you need to catch up with an old friend, you skip the crap and go to Starbucks. 
• A subset of this is that a white girl goes to Starbucks so much that the Baristas begin to not only recognize them, but their order as well. (You even begin to work in some discounts or, better yet, drinks on the house).
• Tweeting about your boyfriend problems isn't tacky; its encouraged. Please use as many "yous" and non-descriptive pronouns as possible. It heightens the angst for your audience.
• Know that everybody KNOWS who you're tweeting about.
• Keep tweeting about it.
• Instagramming in the middle of public is highly discouraged...unless of course you're at Starbucks. Then we all know you are trying to show off as well as look a bit artsy. It's okay. We all do it.
• Your favorite show should be somewhere in the realm of Gossip Girl, Gilmore Girls, or Revenge. Glee can count as well.
• If you're desperate for attention, the best way to get it is by tweeting something about how you love Chuck Bass and/or Blair Waldorf. 
• Army Pants and Flip Flops have never, are not, and will never be okay, no matter what the prime-ultimate-comedic film says
• Speaking of which, if Mean Girls comes on, you don't not watch it. There's no options.
• Sweatpants or Yogapants with Uggs is the ultimate "IDGAF" outfit.
• Your main concern is the weather so that, if it is anything but sunny and warm, you let all of your friends know through all forms of social media possible. 
• Having your own Summer Blog helps you get through the year.

Those are just a few of the things that make up being a White Girl.

And White Girl Wednesday is where you should take pride in being a white girl and flaunt all your qualities. So wake up! Tweet something angsty. Instagram that Starbucks. And above all else, live everyday like you are Blair Waldorf. Until you quickly come to the realization that you nor your non-existent boyfriend have the money to keep up with such habits where you should then take your problems to social media.

-Y@
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